Now that the Christmas season is in full swing, most of the tunes buzzing around in my head have something to do with the onset of the holidaze. With one of the most beautiful voices ever heard, Karen Carpenter’s talent is clearly evident on “(There’s No Place Like) Home for the Holidays.”
Monday the 21st – JUST ANOTHER MANNEQUIN MONDAY! – I slept late and it felt great. I checked my hotline and there weren’t any calls. I thought it was weird that “The Tonight Show” didn’t call me in for a comedy bit. I picked up the phone and it was dead! NO DIALTONE! The plug had come loose from the connector in the back. I plugged it all the way in and it worked fine. In a panic I called my agent and asked if they tried to call me. Luckily, they hadn’t. Shortly thereafter a bit arrived in my Inbox and I recorded it in my home studio and e-mailed it in. I got ready to go into NBC and stopped at Taco Bell on the way. I was running late but the guy at the Taco Bell window was taking his sweet time getting me my order. He kept messing with the soda machine. It looked broken. My food was sitting there but he was busy screwing with the soda machine. I said “Could I get my food please, I’m in a bit of a hurry.” The guy almost threw my food at me and went back to the soda machine. Of all the days for me to arrive at NBC a little late, I had two writers waiting for me to record voice-overs for comedy bits. I got them done, and then rehearsed the opening announce. After the taping I stopped at my mailbox and picked up my packages, including my new mannequin for my Jack Lord “Hawaii Five-O” display. But Jack had lifts built into the interior of his boots so he’d be the tallest guy in the shot. A genius bootmaker in Hollywood named DiFabrizio had a secret way of disguising lifts in his custom-made footwear for celebrities who needed a little height. Though the mannequin is 6 feet tall, once I put Jack’s boots on him, he was about 6 foot 4! Much too tall for my purposes! In fact, he was taller than all the other mannequins in the Chaney Room! And it didn’t look right. So now I have to get a smaller mannequin to put Jack Lord’s costume on. Not sure what I’ll do with the one I already have. Oh well. I did some more work around the house, recorded some auditions in my home studio and e-mailed them to my agents, then hit the hay. I had to be up early for a videogame session at Warner Brothers studios in Burbank.
Tuesday the 22nd – THANK FOR BEING A FAITHFUL CUSTOMER, SUCKA! – I was up early for a videogame at Warner Brothers studios in Burbank. After I finished I met up with my pal James who works in post production. He got a golf cart and we drove around the lot. He drove me by the steps used for Commissioner Gordon’s office in the “Batman” TV series, and we dropped by the Warner store, where I picked up some DVDs. Then we stopped into the Warner museum and saw some cool costumes used in film and TV shows. Then I headed off to Quizno’s for a quick lunch. I went to Kit Kraft to get some supplies for a new project. More on that later. I headed over to Voice Trax West to do another session for US Airways. It was a quickie, so then I went to CVS to pick up more of my prescription nasal spray. Then it was over to NBC to tape “TTS,” which is always a great time! I got home all set to relax for the evening with some nice Christmas music on the satellite. WRONG! Ok, I’ve been a DirecTV customer since I moved into my Hollywood home in 2000. In fact, the package I have is so old, it’s been grandfathered in to the set of new packages. When I started with them they had a great music service called Music Choice. I loved them and I really loved their channels. But about four years ago DirecTV switched to Sirius/XM, and I was ticked. If I wanted Sirius/XM I would BUY Sirius/XM! I called and complained. To make matters worse the Christmas channels on Sirius/XM are awful. Full of talk and clutter. Now they’ve switched (again!) to something called Sonic Tap. Now, anyone who knows me well knows that I’m not a big fan of change…especially when it’s bad change. I clicked on channel 815 to see if I would like their Christmas channel and a message popped up that said I didn’t have that service. NOW THEY WANT TO CHARGE ME EXTRA FOR CHRISTMAS MUSIC??!! Of all the affronts to my loyal patronage! So I called to complain. I would have to upgrade to the next package up to get the channel. I had three evenings full of festivities planned for guests, and I had to have music! That’s the thanks I get for being a loyal customer? So I hatched a plan. I would upgrade to the next package up through December, then when January rolls around I’ll downgrade to a package below my original package. They’ll lose 50% of what I used to pay them on a monthly basis. Hit them where it hurts, in their wallets! (Will they really care?) I settled down for a nap on the couch (with NO Christmas music!) and soon I got a call from my old pal Dan Roebuck! He called to say that Paul Michael Glaser and David Soul have committed to appearing at the Hollywood Collector Show in Burbank in February! That’s awesome! Paul has signed a lot of stuff for me already, but now’s my chance to get the stuff signed by David as well! And hopefully to get a shot of them in my 1974 Gran Torino! That was news worth waking up for!
Wednesday the 23rd – BLACK WEDNESDAY SHOPPING! – In the morning some noisy tree cutters started their work in my neighborhood. Ugh! I got a hotline call to be at NBC early for a comedy bit, so I got showered and headed in. When I finished I went to Floyd’s to get a cut and color. I decided to cut more of the ends off my hair, so what was left would only be the healthy hair from after I started my Regenix treatments. It made my hair curlier and bouncier. I hit Fast Frame to pick up a poster I had framed. It’s a poster-sized print of the Riddler from “Arkham City” printed on silk. I bought it on eBay from China and it looks great! I stopped at Burger King for a quick lunch, then went to NBC. It was another show with an all-military audience. I love these shows. They’re fantastic and the military guys and gals are always fantastic. The crew all said our fond farewells, as we were taking off for the Thanksgiving weekend break. I headed off to Michael’s craft store to look for some more items for my new project. The whole parking lot for the shopping complex was packed. Michael’s was packed. The checkout line was enormous. I didn’t find what I was looking for, but that’s OK. I really didn’t want to stand in that line! I went to JoAnn’s Fabrics to get some white vinyl. Then I went home and called DirecTV and got the package that included the Christmas music. I’ll keep it for one month and then cancel. The Christmas music started and I took a nice nap. When Sassie was alive we used to take “Christmas Nappies,” where we would light the fire in the fireplace, Sassie would lay out in front of the fire while I curled up on the couch and the Christmas music played on the satellite. This will be the first Christmas without Sassie for about 10 years so it’s going to be…uh…interesting. I woke up later and started working on my new project. And Elvis Presley belt buckle. As I start work on my Robo-Elvis, my friend Mike from Chicago gave me an awesome Elvis costume he bought from a retiring Elvis impersonator. Everything was awesome on the costume, except the belt buckle. So I decided to remove it, redesign it, and replace it. I took some of the studs off the original buckle to use on the new one. It was going very well and it was actually kind of fun to work on an Elvis costume again. It reminded me of being 17 and working on my own Elvis costume…with a bag of studs and a nickel to bend the prongs over on the back of the costume. My assistant Sara came over and I sent her off to get food at Denny’s. Then we watched the “Wonder Woman” pilot on DVD. Good stuff! Very funny!
Thursday the 24th – HAPPY THANKSGIVING! – I slept late and boy did it feel nice! I got up mid-afternoon to enjoy our annual tradition…the Thanksgiving Day buffet at the Sportsmen’s Lodge in Studio City. We had a party of 14 with us this year, and we had a great time! Great food! And best of all no prep, and NO CLEAN-UP! Afterwards we went to Planet Wallywood to start the annual Planet Wallywood Happy T-HANG-sgiving Hang Out and Open House. We started with a Laurel and Hardy movie called “Sons of the Desert” which everyone loved. In fact, I may start showing one Laurel & Hardy movie each Saturday night. I’ve seen every one of them about 20 times, being an L&H fan since I was 13, but now that the digitally remastered Essential Collection set has just been released on DVD, it might be time to revisit the boys’ work. Then we watched “Jurassic Park,” which was newly released on Blu Ray. Also newly released on Blu Ray was “Dressed to Kill” with Michael Caine and Angie Dickinson. When everyone left I started working on my Elvis buckle again. I did some other stuff around the house, added some Christmas music to my i-Pod, and finally got to bed around 9am on Friday morning!
Friday the 25th – GOOD FRIDAY! – It was a good Friday…for sleeping! I slept all the way until 3 in the afternoon! I got up, checked e-mails and phone calls, and since nothing was going on I went straight back to bed. Then I didn’t get up until 5:30! I prepared for the second night of the Happy T-HANG-sgiving celebration. We watched “Jurassic Park 2: Lost World,” “Naked Gun,” a PBS special featuring disco artists, and then I hit the hay. Great day!
Saturday the 26th – UH OH! – I got up just before noon to let the maids in. While they worked I realized that I didn’t feel all that good. I thought maybe I had gotten some bad Chinese food the night before. It felt like food poisoning. When the maids left I started feeling even worse. Stomach ache, sore legs and back, headache. I hit the hay. I knew guests weren’t coming until 7:30 that night so I had some time to sleep. But every hour I would wake up in pain and have to switch positions. It was awful. I got up around 7, chugged some Alka-Seltzer, took some aspirin, ate some soda crackers and mints, took a long hot shower, and started feeling better. I got through the evening’s movie night pretty well. But when the guests left I realized I wasn’t out of the woods yet. I was starting to think it was a 24 hour stomach flu, as I had been hearing it was going around. My turn, I guess. I tried to make some chicken noodle soup, but when I put it up to my mouth I realized it was a bad idea. So I chugged some more Alka-Seltzer, took some Excedrin PM, rubbed Ben Gay on my sore legs and back, and prayed to sleep through the rest. What a hell of a way to end an otherwise great Thanksgiving weekend!
Sunday the 27th – AT LAST! – I ended up sleeping almost 12 hours! I had every good intention of going to evening church, as I was feeling better. But I was still a little exhausted and sore from the ordeal. So I decided to go back to bed just to be safe and skip church. So I wobbled back to bed and slept into the evening. Spook was curled up on the bed with me (I think he likes my electric blanket) and we had more good rest. When I got up later that night I was hungry. (A good sign!) So I met my friend Alex Capriola and Sara at Jerry’s for some hot chicken soup. It really hit the spot! I got home to do some stuff around the house. I was definitely feeling MUCH better! I did some auditions, typed Wally’s Week and then prepared for the new week.
And how was YOUR Thanksgiving??!!!
